September 16, 2020
Raise your hand if you can relate! There are a number of things in this world that only gay and bisexual men understand. Many of them are fabulous: being part of a queer community, the attire, drag, sex, brunch, Fire Island.
All of these things straight men and women do not get to experience. Frankly, they’re missing out, but then there are those pesky little things that only gay men have the pleasure of dealing with. They are annoyances that only gay men understand, and boy, are there a lot of them. Here are 50!
1. When you don’t know whether it’s a date or not
I’m at the point in my life where I assume everything is a date. Maybe that’s the wrong way to approach gay men, but I’ve had a number of meet-ups (especially right when I came out) where I thought I was just hanging out with a guy as platonic friends. But then at the end of the night, he tried to kiss me, and I felt so naive and oblivious for not realizing the whole thing was actually a date.
2. When you’re trying to explain to a friend/family member how we’ve reclaimed queer
Me to my dad, “No, no. We’ve reclaimed queer as an empowering word. It’s inclusive for people like me, who are sexually fluid.” Him, “I don’t know. I think I’ll stick to calling you bisexual. Calling you queer sounds too wrong.”
3. When other gay men don’t watch RuPaul
Like, come on. Is it the best show on television? No. Is it a ton of fun to watch men dress up as beautiful women and be shady to one another? 100% yes.
4. When bachelorette parties swarm into a gay club like locusts
“Oh my god, you’re getting MARRRRRRIIIIIEEEEDDDDDDD.” “It’s not fair, you’re like SOOO hot — I wish you were on my team.” “Come dance with us.” No… No to all of this. You’re in a queer space. Be respectful and stop getting hammered.
5. When family/friends are in shock that you’re “monogamish”
The secret has been out for quite some time, ever since Dan Savage coined the term “monogamish.” Many male couples are emotionally monogamous, but fool around with other men from time to time, or when traveling for work. There’s nothing wrong with that if it works for you and your partner.
6. When a gogo dancer is straight
It’s like, seriously? Let us think for a moment that we have a chance. Don’t take that illusion away from us.
7. When he touches you without consent
A number of gay men like to think they can touch other gay men without asking. No, please ask before grabbing another man’s (monstrous) bicep or bubble butt. Odds are, he’ll say yes if you’re friendly about it, but you always need to ask first.
8. When there’s endless small talk on Grindr
It’s Grindr. It’s not Tinder. It’s not Surge. It’s not any other gay dating app that caters to both dates and hookups. Grindr is for NSA, casual hookups. Please stop asking me about what I do, how my day was, or how many brothers and sisters I have.
9. When you’re not sure whether you’re jealous of him, want to be him, date him, or bone him
The age old question: Do I want to have his body or screw his body? Sometimes we meet a guy while out and about, and we can’t exactly place our feelings towards him.
10. When you’re not sure if he’s checking you out or sizing you up
Does he want to beat me up or is he building up the courage to talk to me? What does that intense gaze mean?
11. When straight men treat you as inferior (or how they treat all women)
When straight men talk over you or mansplain something to you. Or worse, they treat you like you’re “crazy,” “hysterical,” or “overreacting.” (The bullshit that women have to deal with on a daily basis.)
12. When you’re assumed to be a bottom because you present and act traditionally feminine
Nope. Just because you behave more effeminately doesn’t automatically mean you’re a bottom. There are some very aggressive and feminine tops out there.
13. LGBTQ Trump supporters, especially Twinks for Trump
Enough is enough. This crap has gone on for far too long. It’s offensive. It’s inappropriate. It’s hateful. Frankly, it’s disgusting.
14. When you don’t fit into the animal types of the gay community
You’re not a twink, but you’re definitely not a bear. You’re not hairy enough to be an otter or a wolf. You’re not muscular enough to be a bull. You’re not tall enough to be a giraffe. You’re not into pup play. You’re just a normal gay man with a normal body. So what the hell are you?
15. When people assume you’re gay or straight but you’re actually bi
You know what they say when you AssUme. So don’t automatically think a man is gay just because he’s interested in other men.
16. When people don’t believe you when you say you’re bi
It’s one thing to make a false assumption. It’s another thing, when you’re told your assumption is wrong, to then say, “Oh, no. I’m right.” Not only are you ignorant, you’re now ignorant and stubborn. If someone says they’re bi, you need to believe them.
17. When you don’t have enough space in your closet for all your shoes
There’s never enough space in your closet. You’d think there’d be more, since you came out of the closet, but it’s incredibly how quickly shoes fill it all up.
18. When you want to be open and your BF would rather die
It’s definitely one of the toughest dilemmas to be in. When you (or your partner) wants to open up the relationship, and you (or your partner) never in a million years would agree to a non-monogamous relationship.
19. When you’re both tops/bottoms
It sucks. There’s nothing more to say. Sure, one of you could change the role he usually plays, but if neither of you are really in the mood, it’s not going to be fun. This is just a crumby problem gay men have.
20. When your friend say he’s a “Katy Perry Gay”
There are dozens of fabulous divas you can pick from. You can love a modern diva like Lady Gaga or Beyonce. You can be into 2000’s divas like Britney or Christina, and you can even love an old school diva like Madonna or Whitney. So why the hell, when there are so many options out there, are you a freakin’ Katy Perry gay? I just… I just can’t.
21. When you run out of lube during sex
Running out of lube during sex is a surefire way to lose momentum. You either have to transition to spit, or if you’re not using protection, use some olive oil. (With condoms, olive oil increases the likelihood that the condom will tear.)
22. When someone says “Yass Queen” without any excitement
Okay. So I was talking to a gay man, actually a close friend of mine, and he said “Yes queen” with absolutely no inflection in his voice. Completely lackluster. It was TERRIBLE. Why did he even say it if he was just going to RUIN IT?
23. When someone calls you a faggot
I was called the F word recently and not by friends of mine who were reclaiming the term. I was called a faggot by a straight man for acting more effeminate. I was in shock. Seriously? We’re in Cambridge Massachusetts and you’re calling me the F word? I responded by saying, “If that’s what it takes to make you feel like a big man, I pity you,” and then walked away. There are few words in the English language that sting more to a gay/bi man than “faggot.”
24. Unsolicited asshole and dick pics
There’s nothing wrong with dick pics. I love getting them. I love sending them. I love everything about them. They’ve become the modern handshake for gay men. Similarly, I love getting butt pics. (The closeup hole pics I don’t quite understand — but to each his own.) Nevertheless, I do not like having them sent to me before we speak. Solicited butthole pics = thumbs up. Unsolicited = creep.
25. When people don’t understand that both sexuality and gender are fluid and evolving
There are more sexualities than gay and straight. There are more genders than male and female. And yes, you may at some point in your life find yourself more attracted to men and at other points women. That doesn’t mean you’re being indecisive. It just means your sexuality has evolved.
26. When you meet up with a guy for an NSA-encounter and he looks nothing like his pics
Urgh. It’s like, you know the deal. You know how this works. Why are you lying? We’re going to be upset, and more often than not, if you look nothing like your pics, we’re going to ask you to leave.
27. When people don’t understand the appeal of leather
I don’t know what it is, but the moment I slip into my leather, I feel like a new man. Leather has allowed me to embrace my queerness in ways I couldn’t before. Leather helped me find a community.
28. When women say they’re such a fruitfly (faghag)
That’s awesome that you like gay men. I like gay men too. We’re pretty awesome, but gay men aren’t accessories. We’re not like a necklace or chihuahua you can don around your neck. We’re people. So you know, please treat us like living, breathing human beings.
29. When straight male friends are shocked that you know a thing or two about sports
I know it’s hard to believe, but some gay men do know (and actually follow sports.) Now I’m not one of those men, but those men, do exist (or so I’ve been told…).
30. People who don’t brunch
Um… excuse me? We, as a people, are nothing if not brunchers. Throw some bottomless mimosas and Bloody Marys in there and we’re all set.
31. Spitting in guys’ mouths while making out
Maybe it’s the men I attract, but I sleep with a lot of men who spit in my mouth while we’re hooking up. Yes, of course it can be hot, but please don’t overdo it.
32. LGBTQ people who don’t support black lives matter
Intersectionality people! Our experience of oppression, as non-straight individuals is heavily influenced by other aspects of our identity including race, gender, socioeconomic status, and education level, just to name a few. Black, bisexual, trans people, and women face different forms of oppression than white, cis, gay men even though we’re both integral members of the LGBTQ community. (In short, they experience a LOT more oppression.) In order for us to be a community, we need to fight for all oppressed people, because identity is so interconnected. We can’t just fight for the wealthy, white, cis gay men. We need to fight for people of color, regardless of sexual orientation.
33. When you’re assumed to be a top because you act and present traditionally masculine
There are plenty of “masc” men who love being pounded. Even better, there are a number of masculine power bottoms who run the show.
34. When you can’t have sex because you’re worried about cleanliness
Having impromptu sex is fabulous. It’s sexy. It’s hot. It’s a nice surprise, but it’s also dangerous. Gay men need to prepare for sex. We need to clean, and if we know a guy’s coming over with a monster sea-slug hanging from his torso, we need to loosen ourselves up prior. Alas, many times we don’t have time to prepare, or we weren’t expecting to get laid, which then leads to fearful (poopy) thoughts during anal penetration.
35. People who don’t drink cocktails
Okay, obviously if you’re on the wagon, don’t drink cocktails. But when I go out with a bunch of gay friends and they all want Bud Light, I’m like who are you? Why are we even friends?
Oh boy, how the gays love their G. What’s there to say? Be smart, be safe, don’t drink alcohol, and for the love of God, don’t OD if you use it.
37. ParTy and Play
Another close friend of ours, Tina, runs rampant in the gay community. (For those of you who don’t know what Tina is, it’s crystal meth.) There’s really no such thing as a casual meth user. GHB yes, even cocaine, yes, but meth, no? Not something you want to mess around with, no matter how open to drugs/sex/partying you are.
38. When the thought of HIV comes into your head during sex and you can’t shake it
Urgh, there’s nothing worse in the world than having the thought of HIV come into your mind in the middle of earth-shattering sex. (Odds are, you thought about it because you’re having unprotected sex.) Those insidious HIV thoughts immediately take you out of the moment.
39. When straight people don’t understand that age gaps in the gay community are common (and awesome)
It may be a little weird when a 55-year-old man is dating a 22-year-old woman, but in the gay community, it’s not weird. In fact, it’s pretty common. There’s nothing weird, exploitative, or manipulative about it. Love is love and age is just a number.
40. When you just can’t climax no matter what
You’re trying and trying, and you’re so damn close. You feel your orgasm brewing at the base of your penis, but you just can’t finish. So frustrating.
41. When you somehow end up at a straight club
It’s like, how did that happen? Did your straight friends convince you? We live in a straight goddamn world, you think they’ be up to going to a gay club, which has better people and music anyway.
42. When you’re slut-shamed
I’m in shock when I get slut-shamed. It’s 2016. Seriously, why do you still care? Honestly, at this point, it’s jealousy. These are men who either can’t get laid or have some internalized homophobia and because of it, they don’t feel comfortable having casual encounters. Thus, they project their insecurities and homophobia onto you. I’ve come to realize that being slut-shamed has nothing to do with you (or your sexual activities). It has all to do with the guy shaming you.
43. When Beyonce tickets cost a million (dollars)
Beyonce tickets cost so much money, but you must see her. Save the money. Borrow if you need to. Do whatever you need to do to see her in concert. It’s worth it. I promise.
44. When you can’t be on PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis) because of price or side effects
While there aren’t many of us, I do know of a few guys who can’t go on Truvada because of the nasty side effects they experienced. (A close friend of mine got pancreatitis). These men, unfortunately, have to be extra careful during sex, and don’t have the peace of mind the same way as those on PrEP do. Additionally, there are sometimes issues with insurance, and Truvada costs hundreds of dollars for a month supply.
45. When you have a scare and need to go on PeP (post-exposure prophylaxis)
We all make mistakes. We’re only human. Sometimes, these mistakes mean we have to go on PeP (post-exposure prophylaxis). If you learn you’ve been exposed to someone with HIV, who’s not taking meds to keep their viral load down, you may want to consider PeP. PeP is only used for emergency situations, and you take antiretrovirals for a month after exposure. You can only take PeP within 72 hours of exposure, and it kind of destroys your body, so it’s a last measure precaution.
46. When your homophobic relative finds every opportunity to criticize your so-called “lifestyle”
I honestly wonder what homophobic family members think they’re going to achieve by being terrible. After repeatedly criticizing us for being gay or having an inappropriate “lifestyle” do they think we’re just going to be like, “You’re right. I’m 100% straight. Thank you for berating me and being awful to me for the past decade. I’m now going to marry a woman, repent for my sins, and have a billion straight babies.”
47. When you and your BF have a mismatched sex drive
This plain sucks. When this happens you need to discuss what’s going on, and perhaps bring up the possibility of opening up your relationship or being monogamish.
48. When you explain to people why you won’t be getting married now that it’s legal
Everyone, LGBTQ+ people included, deserve the right to marry whomever we so choose. That doesn’t mean that we have to use that right. Many of us do not want to get married. We’ve seen all the divorces in our lifetime. We’ve seen marriages turn ugly. We don’t want to have to deal with that. So yes, we’re thrilled we have the right, but it’s also our right to choose not to wed.
49. When neither of you can host
So… sex in the car then? Yikes, it seems so high school.
50. When LGBTQ sites only post pics of cis, white, jacked, men
Just in case you weren’t feeling shitty about your appearance, here are some white muscle hunks to help feed your body dysmorphia and unhealthy eating habits even more!
This article was first published here.