September 16, 2020
Cis men who are attracted to and love trans women are all around us. Coworkers, friends, family members etc. However, finding a cis man on a date with a trans woman is a rarity, probably never. This secrecy led to misunderstandings and in some cases, violence as well. Since, cis men are worried that their masculinity will be questioned.
Today let’s take a look at these stories of some cis men who love trans women and understand what happens from their point of view.
Some cis men find the realisation that they love trans women as cathartic:
Cis men do not know how to handle the fact that they are attracted to trans women. It shakes up their entire world, which until then only consisted of cis women. They are also scared that the society will see them as ‘not a man’ if it comes out. Furthermore, they don’t even have a clue on how the people he loved would react to this fact.
“As a teenager, I felt like something was wrong with me. I figured out I am into trans girls and I felt like, that sucks. Can I change this? What can I do about that? Is there anything I can do to change this and make this go away? Can this please go away? That was my mindset: As if I’d caught this thing I need to get rid of”, told a 21 year old guy to VICE.
“I know that’s messed up. I wanted to make my feelings go away because of the beliefs that my society and family have, even though I don’t agree with those beliefs. Ultimately, it boils down to the sad fact that people would see me as gay if they knew, and people I love would look down on me because of that. I’m not gay. I accept people of all sexualities, but as fucked up as it is, people would see me as less of a man. I hate that”.
Due to the fear of losing family and friends and a life they were used to until then, cis men usually keep this fact a secret. And involve in sexual relationships with trans women, but mostly never a relationship.
However, there are some cis men who unabashedly accept that they are into trans women:
“I learned that trans women exist right after graduating high school”, wrote Shawn, member of the ballroom community, an artist, advocate from Baltimore to VICE. Shawn, went to a club with two guys whom he just met on a bus, and met Breona a trans woman for the first time. The night went on, and they all ended up at her house later that night. “Eventually, we all ended up at her house. I still had no clue she was trans, but once we started talking, she opened up to me about her gender identity. And I had no problem with it”, said Shawn.
Things went smoothly with Breona for a while. But Shawn was following Christianity, and his friends opposed their relationship. “I was happy with Breona, but my Christian friends rejected our relationship. They thought it was sinful, and pushed for me to break up with her”, wrote Shawn. “My church convinced me to leave Breona, and that decision messed with me for years. I didn’t know then, but our time together marked the start of my journey into a world that I would grow to love and one day return to”.
Later in his life Shawn realised the church was hypocritical and decided to go back to dating trans women. “The trans women that I have been with over the years have made me feel comfortable, safe, and loved. The people who have supported me at my lowest moments have all been trans women.”
They stood their ground, even when the society tried to break them, once they decided to be open about it:
“You may think that in the ballroom scene everyone is loving and accepting. Unfortunately you can be judged in any community. Some people have labeled me gay, and some men who are gay have gotten angry at me when I tell them that I am only interested in trans women. Cis women have told me that I am nasty, or a fag. One a cis woman tried to get someone to fight me after I told her I was interested in trans women. There are pros and cons to being open about who you are”, wrote Shawn.
“I refuse to limit myself to what other people want me to be. This is my life and I choose to be happy. But there’s always some sort of struggle to overcome when you love someone special”, he added.
A 55-year old man, Andy Markham from California, wrote on VICE that he was into trans women since his twenties. It took him a long time to be open about the fact, and now two decades later he is openly dating a trans woman. “I have been dating a trans woman openly for four years. When it comes to family, friends, and colleagues, they all know. As people have learned about this part of who I am over time, I have wondered with some individuals whether they could handle it, but I also always remembered that if they did have an issue, that would be on them, not me.”
Cis men should be given more exposure to accept and openly love a trans women:
Andy said to VICE that his journey of self acceptance went on for two decades because he was never exposed to the fact that it was okay to like who he liked. “It would have been great to have established literature and resources; a “So, You’re Attracted To Trans Women?:” brochure you could send away for. I’m sure I would have found that useful to quickening my personal experience of acceptance. Representation matters, no matter how you identify”, wrote Andy.
It is because of this stigma against cis men loving trans women, why it is never common to see men who openly date trans women around us.
It’s time that we talk about how it is okay to be attracted to trans women. Instead of bullying a man for being into trans women, why not just respect his choices and treat him just like before? Let’s start telling men that it’s okay to find them attractive. It’s absolutely fine to find their forever with a trans woman. Love is love, in any context and form.