September 16, 2020
For anyone, losing their v-card is a HUGE deal. Most people dream about all the details of the day, they will finally say bye bye to their virginity. And there’s nothing wrong in having exciting, romantic fantasies about your first time. Just like how several movies, shows and books have plotted them as this flawless, perfect event of your life. But the bummer here is, most people had the cringiest “first time” experiences in real life.
No two people share the same sex story. But, the common ground for many is the fact that their first time sex experiences were awkward, embarrassing, nerve-cluttering, hilarious, messy and sweet. All at the same time. Don’t assume that you’re the only one who lost it, while some cheesy popular 2000s song played in the background.
Dive into these hilarious first time stories of homosexual men and women, that will make you cringe with the details. And gives you a hearty laugh. Followed by crying. Specifically in that order.
Lesbians and their first hook ups:
These lesbian women revealed their first time tales to Cosmopolitan.
“I’d been seeing a woman who had never had sex with a woman before and I had been doing most of the work each time we had sex. This time, she decided she wanted to ‘try her hand’ (if you will) and take the plunge. Apparently, though, the labyrinth of the female body was too confusing, and she grabbed her cell phone to light her way to my vagina. She used the phone’s screen light in order to find where she needed to be. It was almost like a cave-diver with a headlamp. Needless to say, it was not very good. At least she didn’t use the flashlight app?”
These women share a bloody experience:
“One of the first times I was with a girl, I was kissing her neck and started to feel hot liquid, kind of like a runny nose coming from my face. I finally sat up and realized I had a bloody nose. There was blood all over her body, bed, my face … it was awful”, said Kelly.
“Things were really heating up when she opened her eyes, looked at me, and fainted. Eventually I realized I had blood all over my face because her lip ring tore”, explained Marissa.
“I was going down on her, and I was doing a fantastic job if I do say so myself. Then all of a sudden I tasted blood. At first I thought she started her period, but then I realized I had a bloody nose from hell”, added Danica.
Some others had mood killer “first time” feels:
“I was over at a girlfriend’s place for the first time and we had some sexy music on and started kissing and taking each other’s clothes off. Then she started to finger me, and it made me yelp because she had these long, sharp nails. Then she realized, apologized a million times, and got out of bed. I just kept lying there while she was searching for her nail clippers. She eventually found them, clipped her nails, then filed them. Safe to say by the time she came back, the mood was slightly killed”, explained Miranda.
“Several years ago when I first came out, my friends encouraged me to go out and find a girl and get laid. I was at a restaurant with some friends of mine and heard a girl call out to me and realized she was hitting on me. I wasn’t totally interested, but she was cute enough. We ended up hanging out all day into the night and eventually went to her place”, elaborated Kim.
“When we got there, she went to the bathroom and I lay out on the couch trying to look sexy for when she returned. An hour later I was still lying there, trying to look sexy and not annoyed. I decided to check on her again only to find she had totally passed out on the toilet. I woke her up long enough to get her into bed where she passed out again. She messaged me later that day but I decided against seeing her again. My great plans to get laid were a total wash!”, added Kim.
Even gay men shared similar experiences:
Gay men, shared embarrassing – if not similar – stories as homosexual women, with BuzzFeed.
“Me and a guy I’d been seeing grabbed some condoms, put on a porno, and followed what the actors were doing. But the porno we were watching used spit for lube, so we did too. The pain was nothing like I had ever felt before. As he pulled out, his penis had changed colour to a poop brown. As it went all over the bed, the smell hit us and he was sick all over me”, said Tim.
The toilet experience:
“I slept with a guy I’d been seeing for a month. After the initial pain, I got into it and enjoyed it a lot. The tragedy occurred later on that night, when I realised that I had to do a number two. He said the toilet in his guest house (where we were) wasn’t working. The one in the main house was fine, but he had rented out the main house and I couldn’t go in that late, so I ended up taking a dump in his garden”, told Kyron.
The sudden baby:
“When I was a freshman in college, I went out with this guy. We went to a football game, grabbed some food, and proceeded back to his dorm room. I went to the bathroom and when I returned, he was wearing nothing but a diaper and asked me to treat him like a baby. I was so freaked out that I grabbed my things and left as quickly as I could”, explained Zach.
Not the same name:
“I was working backstage for a play. There was an after party where I got too tipsy and lost my group, so I started talking to a guy about how we were wearing matching shirts. We started making out and he led me behind a tree, where I got my first blow job. We then got in his truck and ended up having sex in the parking garage of the theatre. He called me ‘Ryan’ twice”, shared Kevin.
Surely, most of you have had hilariously embarrassing first time stories. And that’s okay. Life is all about these bitter sweet experiences don’t you think?