September 16, 2020
My name is Debendra Nath Sanyal. People usually call me Deb. I am no expert at the matters of the heart. Although I could write a book or a series of them about heartbreaks. I currently work for a global advertising agency called Mirum. And I work in the business development team as an Assistant Manager. I reside in Thane and my parents live in Chembur. My grandma (amma) also lives with them. And my super adorable younger brother Naren just finished his MBA and lives in Brisbane Australia. But that’s not all. My cat, Moto and two dogs Ginger and Hazel are a vital part of my family.
As you can see I have a big family, and the best part of this is never feeling alone. Don’t hesitate from reaching out to your parents when you need to. Like Hogwarts and Dumbledore always helps out Harry Potter, parents always help out their children.
But let’s get to why you are reading this article. My dating life which makes my dating, heartbreak, and healing advice more profound. I hope this helps you see things in a better perspective.
Dating At 21
I began dating when I was 21. And I haven’t dated in the past six months. I started dating at the age of 21 because that is when I realised that two men can be in a romantic relationship just like how a girl and a guy can. My parents only learnt about my relationships a little later. After I came out to them. After I came out, I was pretty transparent about my dating life with everyone, including my family. My parents have always accepted the guys I have dated. Luckily.
I tried finding love on Tinder, Grindr, Bumble, Hinge, Scruff, name it and I had an account on it. But I eventually realised that apps are not my cup of tea. Now I prefer to meet people at queer community events and through common friends.
But right now, after being single for six months, I’m kinda enjoying it. I think I’m waiting for someone with a deep understanding of themselves. Someone who knows what they are looking for and also know what they are capable to give. And if they cross paths with me, then great! I’m not actively seeking for someone.
Loved And Have Lost
I rather have loved and lost than not loved at all. Heart-breaks are painful. When you love someone with all your heart and also have your heart broken, you are shaken up. But only when you go through both will you realise how magical love is and how powerful it can be. Heartbreaks can make you bitter, angry and sad. I have been there and done that. But I would not mind my heart breaking over and over again. Even though, I would not exactly prefer it. It does get incredibly difficult, I won’t lie. But I think over time I have begun to see heart breaks as chapters. One ends and a new one begins. I don’t want to live in anxiety and worry about the last page of my life’s book.
When I had just broken up, I spoke to a few of our mutual friends about it. I felt like I needed to vent. And I believe most of us choose that path. After a while, I realised that I was reliving the breakup by talking about it repeatedly. I even spoke to my parents and my brother and it still did not help. It did feel good momentarily but I would soon get back to a dark place. What helped me the most is actually talking to myself. I have a “Theory of 5” which helped me understand how to deal with the situation. Let me give you an example.
My anxiety hit such a high level that I could not bear it anymore. So, I dissected this my feelings at 5 levels.
1. Why do you feel this way? Because you feel alone.
2. And why do you feel lonely? Because I don’t feel the warmth I used to feel?
3. Why do you need that warmth? Because I am used to it.
4. Do you think you can create that warmth from within you? Yes
5. Do you feel better now? Yes
This may look simple, but it really worked wonders for me. Everytime you experience an uncomfortable feeling, break it down at 5 levels.
Discipline Yourself: Strengthen Your Heart
People often blame themselves and drown in self-pity, often feeling insufficient or not good enough. It’s a horrible place to be in, and cracking out of that shell is crucial to getting a hold of yourself and the situation.
This is the regiment I followed post my break-up and have achieved positive results for myself. Tuning it to fit your needs could help you get over yours too.
• Waking up at 4 a.m.
• Mediating for an hour
• Positive affirmation
• Start the day with a positive note
• Have home-cooked meals.
• Eat dinner before sunset
• Sleep early
• End the day with meditation and reflecting how the day went.
Have good intentions about everything you do. Keep yourself away from anything that induces negativity, this includes people, situations or your own negative thoughts. Identify them and consciously move away. Seek help when you think you need it. Do not let yourself feel like you are alone. There is an army of people who would love to be by your side in your difficult times. If you don’t have your friends, you have your family. And if you don’t have your family you have you! The idea is to nurture and strengthen your heart and not lock it away in a case.
And you are enough.
Many of us have an introspective approach that is focused on our deficits. We obsess over what we lack rather than being aware of everything we already have. Being grateful and accepting who we are and everything that’s around is by far the best way to feel like you are enough and be confident about moving forward. Let your experiences teach you and not hold you back.
Lose Yourself In A Relationship? Nope
And a good start to all of this is to ensure that you do not lose yourself in a relationship. Two bodies, one soul or one mind is better for the fairy tales. In reality, learn to accept your partner for who they are as a whole and tell them you would appreciate it if they did the same. Being your honest authentic self and communicating your needs and requirements will help you reach a comfort level where you can be you and still be there for your partner.
Over the past few months, meditation has helped me a lot as I started practicing it diligently, and with a lot of self-discipline. Meditation helped me cultivate a sense of compassion for myself. I also realised that in our daily lives we are consumed by creating a version of ourselves. We spend lifetimes holding onto unpleasant feelings because someone challenged our sense of being.
Don’t overthink it, it’s just a bad situation. As personal as it seems, you can always control your approach and your response to what happens. And as long as you trust yourself and build the strength to overcome adversity, it’s all okay.
Like I said, your life is a book. One chapter ends, a new one begins.