My name is Honey Thakur and I’m 19 years old. I identify as a pansexual, gender fluid and I go by any pronouns. I’m also from Goa.
I’m a second year college student in Chandigarh. The field that I’m interested in is police administration aka police science aka criminology.
I realized I was pansexual when inadvertently I felt attracted to a trans friend. I grew up in schools with little strength but as I turned 17 I started making friends outside my circle. And that’s when it hit me and I knew love isn’t gender biased.
Personally for me, being pansexual is to fall in love with a person truly for who they are and not determining my love for them on the basis of their gender.
“All in my head”:
There was a time when I thought that everyone felt the same way. I was rather dubious when I started talking about my attractions with other people as hardly anyone responded in a manner that seemed alike. There used to be days when I was dysphoric about my gender and my sexuality. It smothered me more when people used to tell me it’s all “in my head”. Now my identity is indubitable and I’m proud of who I am.
I attracted feelings for a transgender, who’s my friend. They felt like home and I loved being around them. I’ve had a few crushes here and there from the other genders as well so it was pretty clear to me that I’m pansexual.
Being referred to as a bisexual even after coming out:
Coming to terms with my sexuality had me in a state of respite; until I was being referred to as a bisexual even after coming out as pansexual. Though people try to be euphemistic, sometimes they do really be testing my patience and that’s when I want to snap back. But then again, I don’t blame them. They need to educate themselves on the different spectrums of gender and sexuality.
Coming out to my mother and friends:
When I first came out to my mum she was quite skeptical about my identity. She had asked me a few times if I were a lesbian (which I obviously denied before I was out n proud). And only because she used to question me on my sexuality, I had the nerve to go up to her and break down about it as I was quite afraid what her reaction would be. It took her some time to completely accept me but she did.
Now because I’m so bold about who I am, she sometimes asks me to keep it on the low. It’s due to the violence against the community and she fears I’d be bullied or unaccepted.
Not many of my friends were surprised when I cam out to them. They took it well but you know we all have that one “friend” who still doesn’t want to evolve into thinking broadly. Many of my acquaintances weren’t well versed with the entire community; only a few spectrums were known to them. But they were kind enough to ask in a polite manner while others judged me based off of what suited their definitions of the term LGBTQIA+.
Going through high school:
In high school I mostly kept to myself until the last two years I had left with me. I did get bullied for my quiet nature and I had a classmate who referred to me as a faggot; but I don’t get why cause back then I don’t think anybody could fathom as I was very much to myself. But as the years passed by things got better and they were my friends who now completely accept me. Had a friend I was crushing on and we did make up in the washroom while changing together. So yep it was bittersweet.
Strangers assumed I’m trans:
Like I mentioned earlier, I’ve tried to put maximum light on this term. But many are still confused which lets them to question my privates. I’ve faced this problem a lot of times now and I’m just used to them. I’ve got SMS from strangers asking me if I’m a transgender and how much I’d charge them and so on. People often confuse pansexuals for transgender men/women or intersex (well atleast in my case). I’ve have had a few of my schoolmates ask me what I have between my legs and if I was sure about my answer.
Judgmental attitude doesn’t bother me anymore:
The judgements and homophobic comments by people used to bother me but I don’t pay much heed to them any longer. The pansexual community lack much recognition and that’s why I’ve had instances when a few of my schoolmates went around with “honey is a shemale she has a dick”. But these things do not bother me rather it makes me feel sorry for them.
My dysphoric days were the only times when it bothered me about my pansexuality; as I thought I’d end up alone and wouldn’t find anyone like me. But time proved me wrong and I’m glad.
Dating as a pansexual:
One of my partners was very supportive of it and accepted me. They had blind faith that despite my sexuality I’d still be loyal to them but we’d always argue that I’d date my bestfriend instead; because as a matter of fact I did kind of like her. The next one was insecure about it and joked that they’d not know when to not feel insecure; and they’d always have to be very attentive when it comes to me hanging out with someone.
As we go to down the spectrum the rainbow kind of fades away as there isn’t much awareness about the other spectrums; and there are minimum platforms that actually have their portrayal.
I think the spectrum should be defined completely and the members from each spectrum should be uplifted and encouraged to create a platform of learning for the allies or members of the community.
If you identify as a pansexual who is confused about coming out:
Hang in there. Don’t look down on yourselves it takes time and a lot of efforts to keep your piece of mind when your at battle with yourself; about your gender or sexuality but sooner or later you will come to terms with it. Can be by falling in love or by being inspired, to each their own.
This is really an excellent initiative taken by the admins of Fifty Shades of Gay as we need to enlighten people on all the spectrums of the community. I don’t think many platforms have been doing so. Makes me feel so glad that I’ve been asked to contribute to it in my own little way.