Leading A Secret Lesbian Life In A Homophobic Nation Like Malaysia

Leading A Secret Lesbian Life In A Homophobic Nation Like Malaysia

Hi, my name is Aida and I’m a 20 year old lesbian from Selangor, Kuala Lumpur. I am currently taking my degree in Bachelor in Public Relation and Entertainment Management. I also do enjoy writing and as of right now I’m writing a story.

Personally, I always knew I was different. But funnily I thought I was ‘normal’ and everyone else wasn’t. I always felt attraction towards girls even during the days my girlfriends would go crazy over ‘cute’ boys. Also when I was younger I was a little boy-ish, just a little and I always liked female characters. I even wished to be the male characters instead; when everyone of my friends thought the opposite.

Accepting My Sexuality:

I actually didn’t. I denied on who I was for so long; did things which I now regret to be someone everyone else wanted me to be. My very initial thought before knowing that I am a lesbian is that I was a sociopath or psychopath even. However, once I found out the term I was happy to know I wasn’t a sociopath.

I think that was when it went downhill, because I thought there was something wrong with me; and tried everything to fix myself. Praying to God to fix me and make like every other girl, since I was friends with very straight girls. I even tried being and doing things that my straight female friends did.

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Image Courtesy: Queer Lapis

Later on I met an openly bisexual person who taught me that being yourself is important than being someone people wanted you to be. Also I managed it by not bringing too much attention; possibly harmful attention to myself. It is extremely important to be aware of the surroundings you are in for such kind of situations.

Coming out to my family and friends:

I have came out to my friends, some were supportive some aren’t. Later on I came out on social media. I came out on social media solely to help anyone that is struggling for a safe space to be themselves; or be a safe person to keep their secret that they have been burying it by themselves. Later on I came out to my cousin sister, who is my best friend.

Funny story is, I came out to her after a concert by Ed Sheeran in front of her boyfriend, in which both their reply was “I knew”. To which I got so mad because she never told me. Later on I came out to all my cousins. I also came out to my aunt to which she also said she kind of knew and she accepts me for who I am.

Leading A Secret Queer Life In Malaysia:

It is extremely hard. Because you don’t know where and with whom you are safe. You don’t know when someone might know this secret of yours; and take away your freedom from you. It is also very hard when your straight friends are able to have their PDA in public and called cute.  But if it were me in the future and my partner who is same gender holding hands with me, it could get us to jail and even hung to death.

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Image Courtesy: Mashable SEA

There were a case years ago on two girls who made out in a car got punished by the court and caned six times. Also currently, there are conversion therapy centres for transgenders and gay people. As well as if I am not mistaken, any transgenders can be arrested at sight.

By God’s grace and will and my hard work, I do want to go somewhere, anywhere; where I don’t need to look over my shoulder to hold my girlfriend’s hand or lay my head on her shoulder. Not just that, if in future I were to have kids I want them to grow up in a safe place. Where they don’t need to worry about their parents and own safety for being themselves.

Legalising Homosexuality In Malaysia:

Legalising homosexuality in Malaysia will probably solve all of these problems that the community members face. It also has do with people using their religion to defend themselves on hating on LGBTQIA+ members. It’s like a person who is allergic to pineapples hating someone, because they are having pineapples on their pizzas.

Biggest misconception is that Malaysians think we are influenced by the western culture. Also I’m a lesbian, because I’m yet to find the ‘man of my dreams’.

My Passion:

I love to write. I wish to publish a lesbian story written by me somewhere in the future. My one dream is to make nobody feel alone or feel like they need to hide, change themselves. Because others don’t accept or understand how awesome they are.

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