Straight Guy Leaves A Yelp Review After Gay Night Club Episode

Straight Guy Leaves A Yelp Review After Gay Night Club Episode

Berlin’s Berghain belongs to the must-see-clubs-before-death list. Berghain’s story begins in the 1990s when Michael Teufele and Norbert Thormann kick-started their club Snax, a male-only gay club. They ran their clubs at various locations before they decided on a stable house to settle down. It was in 1998 that they shifted Snax to an old train repairs factory which was situated in an industrial spread out. Ostgut was the new name given and it was open to anyone – both gay and straight – on their regular nights. 

Berghain Berlin/Straight/Straight Guy Leaves A Yelp Review After Gay Night Club Episode
Image Courtesy: Rolling Stone

Ostgut reveal as the best techno providers of the nation and hosted at least six to eight exclusive Snax nights every year, till 2003. In 2003, this grey railway warehouse was torn down to dust and reopened in 2004, with the now-famous name, Berghain. Every year on Holy Saturday and in November, the Snax event is held even now at Berghain. 

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What exactly happened?

Kyle, who is from San Antonio, decided to go on a holiday in Berlin. Two men from London that he’d recently met,  decided to take him along to the above-mentioned nightclub and this was the turning point. The night took a turn for the worse for Kyle at Berghain night club as he went through an experience he will never forget.  Though the night club has a strict “What happens in Berghain, stays in Berghain” policy, Kyle decided to share his experience via a Yelp review.

The Yelp review had one star for the night club and is unintentionally hilarious. Here are snippets from his review: Kyle opened his review by talking about the super long queue outside the nightclub. He also talked about how one of his friends got really annoyed when Kyle checked his phone. He wrote, “While we are standing there looking for the spot to cut, I take out my phone to check Facebook. One of the London guys goes into a rage and starts cussing me out and grabs my phone yelling: ‘DON’T LOOK AT YOUR PHONE. DON’T USE IT! THEY WON’T LET US IN!'”

Kyle then rants about the music at the club. “Once inside, the music is blasting too loud. You could feel it in your chest. I thought the bass was going to set my heart off rhythm. I tell the two guys from London, ‘Let’s go get a beer!’…They look at me like I’m crazy.”

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Things get very real for ‘Kyle, the straight guy’ after this.

“They offer me these strange looking little pills and I pass. No drugs for me. They both pop them and then start making out. I’m not talking about a little kiss or a peck, I’m talking open-mouth, tongue kissing.”

‘Kyle, the straight guy’ could not even let the thought that his friends were gay linger in his mind. He states that he immediately saw 3-4 naked guys dancing around with erections. “I decide to go get a beer and I tell myself—maybe I’m in the wrong part of the club. Maybe this is the gay section. Nope. The whole club is the gay section!”

‘Kyle, the straight guy’ and his beer are both left in disbelief as the scene changes. “On my way to grab a beer, I pass in disbelief, a bearded guy butt f*cking the crap out of another bearded dude. You could smell faeces and sweat. I take my eyes off of that situation and it only gets worse. There’s another guy, and I kid you not…he’s got his arm, almost to his elbow, up another guy’s ass! I thought it was a magic trick or an illusion. It WASN’T!”

He further wrote, “There’s another guy, and I kid you not…he’s got his arm, almost to his elbow, up another guys ass! I thought it was a magic trick or an illusion. It WASN’T! The guy that’s basically getting impaled is enjoying it! I saw one guy getting tag teamed (double penetration style) by 2 guys! I said to hell with this…I’m out of here!”

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The Return of the Kyle

‘Kyle, the straight guy’ who had decided that he’d had enough and left had to return because he had forgotten his phone. He also wrote about what he saw after he returned. “Now there are naked guys everywhere! Sucking each other off. Fisting each other. There was one dude that was riding another guy (cowgirl style) and yelling ‘Balles Tief!’… I ask the dude next to me, ‘What’s he screamin’?!’ and he informs me ‘Balles Tief’ is German for ‘Balls Deep'”

“This Nazi looking guy comes up to me with a syringe and acts like he’s going to stick me with it. I jump back and think about beating the shit out of him and he starts laughing and in very bad English says “You vant [want] chemical to keep wake and make you high?… As I’m saying ‘NO!’…a loud siren/whistle starts blowing and the whole club starts going bananas!”

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There’s more and it’s glorious.

“I ask this guy who looks like a vampire… ‘What the hell is that? Is there a fire or terrorist or something?’…He does this weird giggle and say’s the siren means it’s “Slip and Slide time!”…100’s of guys, the ones that aren’t already naked, drop there pants and start masturbating on the dance floor. Evidently, you are supposed to ejaculate on the floor and make it slippy and then naked guys go sliding through it! WTF! I look back and that vampire looking dude is jerking off in my direction. I throw a beer bottle at him and start hauling [my] ass out of there.”

“[I] run past this one guy that seems to be injured and he’s asking for help. I’m a pretty nice guy, so I ask what happened. He bends over and you can see this silicone/rubber looking object barely protruding out of his butt. You could barely see it. He then explains that he had shoved a rubber arm with fist up there and it was stuck! This guy thinks I’m going to help pull it out?!? ‘Get the fuck out of here!”

‘Kyle, the straight guy’ then concludes his review/rant with, “I finally get to the exit and I yell to that weirdo door man ‘YOU SICK BASTARD!’… I hail a cab and make it back to my hotel. That was my experience at the ‘worlds coolest night club’… I can handle a lot of stuff, but this place was WAY over the top. I will not be back. Never.”


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